Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Allies send peace signals to moderate Nazies, Japs, Taliban

Moscow, Washington, London. December 1941

In an effort to end WWII, a high ranking Soviet army official, with an abundance of medals on his chest, today told AP that the Politburo had send a telegram to the German High Command, stating that peace would be an option if the Germans would containe extreme elements in the Werhmact.

"We have no quarrel with the German people per se," the official said.
"We know the vast majority are moderates who only want to live in peace with their neighbors. However, there seems to some bad apples in the invading German armies, particularly in the SS, who seems to enjoy rounding up innocent civilians for no apparent reason and either kill them on the spot, or use them at slave-labor behind the front."

"Not that we have anything against that," he hastingly added. "After all, the Communist Party have been doing the exact same thing for decades, in fact ever since the glorious Bolshevik Revolution; but still, it would be nice if either the Kremlin or the local Commissar got to decide who and how many to purge and who not to," the official said under the promise of anonymity, lest he be summarily executed by the whim of Soviet leader, Joseph Stalin, and unceremoniously buried in an unmarked grave somewhere in Siberia.

This diplomatic move is believed to have been taken in concert with the US and Great Britain, as both countries yesterday took a similar step towards the Empire of Japan.

"We understand the cultural gap between Western Democracy and the Japanese way of Bushido, and we in the West have no desire to insult a culture as old and civilized as the Japanese," an official from the State Department said under the condition that he would not be named, lest he would find himself in the first wave in a rumored amphibious asualt on Iwo Jima.

He went on to say that the sinking of the US fleet at Pearl Harbor and the subsequent invasions of various islands i the Pacific could be excused as an "explainable misunderstanding between the great Empire of Japan and the West", and that the US might be willing "to overlook these unfortunate incidents".

However, some argument is reported going on between the State Department and the Pentagon.

An ranking officer at the Pentagon told the AP:
"If some sissy [expletive] in the [expletive] State Department thinks there's any slant-eyed gooks in the Jap's sorry excuse of a [expletive] government, who's willing to cut a [expletive] deal, he's very much mistaken. Give me the means, and I'll personally kick the Emperor's yellow [expletive, expletive] all the way through [expletive] China if I have to!"

Only hours after his statement was made public, the officer was suddenly hospitalized due to a massive cardiac arrest, sources say.

This new allied policy was conformed by the British later the same day:

"It's one thing to behead POW's or force them to build bridges over rivers, but those wretched Kamikazes are getting somewhat annoying," a British War Office employee said to AP, adding that: "I wouldn't go so far as to say that it isn't cricket, but it is hardly good form to wage a war that way, old boy."

The British official who asked not to be named, lest he be ordered to parachute into a theoretical attack on Arnhem, also said: "If the Jappoes would be more moderate in their conquest of our Far East colonies, we ought to come to some sort of agreement. Surely there must some chaps we can talk to, to prevent this silly thing getting out of hand," he said before going on to matter of the theater of war in Europe.

"As for the Jerries, His Majesty's Government is willing to let them keep France, and also welcome them to Ireland, even though for the life of me I can't understand why The Hun would be bothered with that part of the world. I mean, not even the bloody Irish wants to live there," he said.

The Axis Powers have so far not reacted to the allied's suggestions, as they are busy taking over the the world.
A senior German field marshal, however, did say when asked about the recent development: "Donner und Blitzen! Now you tell me. And I've just got my orders to re-deploy Army Group South and take Stalingrad. Talk about bad timing!"


Richard Holbrooke, United States President Barack Obama's special envoy to Afghanistan and Pakistan, was urged Tuesday to reach out to reconcilable factions among the Taliban insurgents as an essential move towards bringing peace to the region.

Holbrooke is on the first leg of a tour, including Afghanistan and India, aimed at developing a new strategy against Taliban insurgents in Afghanistan.

UPDATE: Not to mention this rolling of eyes by the Talliban:
"This does not require any response or reaction for this is illogical," Qari Mohammad Yousuf, a purported spokesman for the insurgent group, told Reuters when asked if its top leader Mullah Mohammad Omar would make any comment about Obama's proposal.

"The Taliban are united, have one leader, one aim, one policy...I do not know why they are talking about moderate Taliban and what it means?"